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I am all too aquainted with dark nights, the ones when you wake up at three am and all of your demons woke up along with you, and are out there keeping you company. Your worst nightmares are coming to life and those worries that are small in the day time have magnifed themselves a thousand-fold at night. Then, there are those nights when we've lost something vitally important to us, or some sort of misfortune swings by our front door and stops for an unwelcome visit. This is part of living our lives, the good times and bad times, yin and yang, all of which balances itself out in the end. Then... there are those black nights which are beyond simple life events. They can be aptly called Dark Nights of the Soul, and there is in fact a book by that name written by Thomas Moore. I've read it, not completely but I've read it. These are the nights which are blacker than you can appreciate unless you've had cause to be there. This is what I call a sort of "soul depression" and honestly? It is so difficult to explain how that feels unless you've been there, and if you've ever been there, there's no mistaking it. You can well understand and identify with someone else who's there. It feels like what is at your core, your base foundation of yourself, who you really are - is shaken. You find yourself not knowing who you are, where you fit in into your life and those lives around you. In fact, you really don't feel like you fit in, and worse, you're not sure you even care. You're barely functioning, maybe you're working at a job, doing household chores, caring for children, WHATEVER, but it all seems as if by rote. Really, you can feel very disassociated from life on one hand yet on the other hand, it feels like despair and tears are but a blink away. You really don't know anyone that could understand this, you don't even know anyone that you feel safe telling your feelings to, for why would you want to bring anyone else down to beyond the basement level of how YOU are feeling? More importantly, it feels like you can't even tell anyone how you're feeling. You feel very very isolated and alone. It's an awful place to be. It's a very scary place to be when you contemplate whether it's worth continuing on, whether you'd even be missed, and feeling like the world would be better off without you there, for what importance DO you have to the world really? There are so many questions, and it all seems so very negative when you look at your own answers at that moment in time. As addressed in Thomas Moore's book, some people don't make it out of this place. Some people have found this place to be a life changing event, some have found depths of creativity they didn't know they had. Some of this country's well known writers and poets wrote some of their greatest works from this place. But, this place isn't a real home in the world and society we live in, and the true challenge is getting out of "that place". There is no magic bullet, no wand to wave, no page to turn. There is, hopefully, deep inside of you a core of not wanting to quit in spite of what all your emotions are telling you. This is a valley of shadows that we have to travel by ourselves. You need to, as some have said, just punch through that valley, because there isn't any shortcuts here. You end up reevaluating yourself, and this is not an overnight process but one that takes time. What really helps is to, in spite of what you really want to do, is to force yourself to talk. It is vitally important that you find a trusted person who is willing to listen to you. And, they may listen for days! :-) They will listen to you as you sit with tears burning as they roll down your cheeks as you struggle to find who you really are. They love you anyway. They love and can see the person of worth that you are in spite of the fact that YOU can't! This person is someone who can identify with you, and may be someone totally unexpected. The strange key to this is that they can identify with you because they've been there, and they know that there is the other side waiting for you at the far end of the valley. Someone walked with them, and now they are able to walk with you for a while as you struggle to find your own new place in the world. The only thing I can say, and promise you, is that with a little bit of work, hope and perseverance, you will find the way out. This Dark Night happened to you for a reason and you will grow as a person in ways you can't even comprehend when you're in the middle of it. Trust yourself, trust your soul, stick with it and just don't give up in spite of how scared you are, how isolated you feel. How do I know? Because I've been there, yes, some of my better creative works have been from this time and D & S - you know it's really a nice thing to see the sunlight on the other side, you were right... it does come, with patience, but it does come. WHY do I speak of this? To let others know that they're not alone. To those who may be feeling this way - that even though they feel so devastatingly alone, they're not. It's just so hard to see that when your soul is so for down. Sometimes I think you CAN'T see it. All you can to is to trust that there really is another side when you're walking through the valley.. and to find some one to talk to. Sometimes it just might be a stranger on the street who stopped by because they saw your tears and asked how they could help. Talk.. just keep talking. If you can't talk? Write. Journal it down, draw it out, build a rock pile, but do something, anything! Trust, even when you can't, trust that this will someday pass. Sunshine :) |
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The night is smooth and dark An escape? It’s not truly forgetting Just very, very tired Am I lying to myself? What if it’s all imagination? Maybe it’s because it’s a legacy There is, I hope, that candle in the darkness. Copyright Robin Olsen 2006 |
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